How Attachment Styles Can Influence Self-Esteem
In my therapy practice, I help my clients understand and shift their insecure attachment and improve their relationships. But our attachment styles shape not only how we connect with others, but how we see and feel about ourselves. If you ever find yourself struggling with self-doubt, insecurity, or not feeling good enough, your attachment style might be playing a role.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of relating to others that develop in early childhood. They’re based on how consistently and accurately caregivers responded to our needs. When our caregivers were inconsistent or neglectful in their care, we learned that we couldn’t rely on others, and an insecure attachment style was developed. On the other hand, if we grew up with reliable and attuned caregivers, we learned that we could trust others to attend to our needs, and we are therefore more likely to grow up with secure attachment. These attachment styles that are developed in childhood shape how we manage adult relationships and connections, how we deal with conflict, and how we engage and respond to our emotions and the emotions of others.
There are four attachment styles:
Secure: generally feeling worthy of love and trusting of others; emotionally available and comfortable with vulnerability.
Anxious (Preoccupied): a strong craving for closeness and a fear of abandonment or rejection.
Avoidant: valuing independence and struggling with vulnerability and connecting deeply with others.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant): a push-pull between wanting closeness and fearing it.
How Does Attachment Affect Self-Esteem and Confidence?
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment generally view themselves as worthy and capable. They are comfortable with intimacy and closeness, and don’t view connection as a threat to independence. They don’t usually have trouble trusting others, and their relationships tend to be stable and consistent. This foundation translates into greater confidence, resilience, and healthier self-esteem.
Anxious Attachment
Those who are anxiously attached often base their self-esteem on how others see and treat them. They may second-guess themselves, seek external reassurance and validation, or feel confident only when receiving approval. Anxiety is a primary feature, especially in romantic relationships. There is a preoccupation with keeping their partner emotionally close and a strong fear of abandonment. Confidence can feel fragile because it relies on external validation.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidantly attached individuals may appear confident on the surface, but internally, they often wrestle with insecurity and self-doubt. They can be emotionally unavailable because vulnerability feels risky, so they prioritize independence while disowning their need for connection. They avoid conflict and situations where their self-esteem could be challenged, limiting their opportunities to grow authentically confident.
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment combines features of both anxious and avoidant styles, often fluctuating between craving and fearing closeness. People with disorganized attachment exhibit inconsistent and unpredictable behaviour as they navigate between their need for closeness and their fear of hurt and rejection. Self-esteem can feel unstable, and confidence unreliable.
How to Become More Securely Attached and Build Healthy Self-Esteem
Attachment styles are not fixed; with intentional work, they can shift and change over time. Self-awareness and support can help you reshape your relationship with yourself and promote lasting confidence. Some helpful first steps include:
Cultivating Self-Awareness: First, identifying and learning about your attachment style. Then, noticing your patterns of self-talk and behaviour, and how they connect to your attachment style.
Practicing Self-Compassion: Introducing positive self-talk and self-compassion exercises into your life to help replace the harsh inner voice with empathy and understanding.
Therapy & Healing Work: Working with an attachment-based therapist can help rework old relational patterns and offer corrective emotional experiences, shifting your model of self and other, helping you become more secure.
Secure Relationships: Cultivating healthy, supportive relationships (romantic, friendships, therapeutic, or community) can provide new experiences of safety, which gradually strengthen self-worth and security.
Your attachment style may explain some of the struggles you’ve faced with self-esteem and confidence, but it doesn’t define you. If you see yourself in any of these patterns, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Therapy can help you heal attachment wounds, strengthen self-esteem, and build confidence that lasts. If you’re ready to take the next step, please reach out to learn how I can help you develop more security within yourself and in your relationships with others.
